Brainleak 9.05.07

yeah, so it's been a few days since i updated my blog. i was doubting that anyone was actually reading. since i really haven't felt any music 'inspire me' in any way the past few days (enough to post again), i've decided to leak a bit of my brain out onto this page.

today i'm dealing with my addiction just as strongly as i have ever. it's been so difficult thus far, and i'm not seeing it improve. i should have expected this, as it's written in nearly every 12 step program manual there is. 'put as much effort into your recovery as you put into your usage.'

but...i'm lazy. c'mon guys. ease up a bit. for meeee?! *bat eyelashes, flip hair*

anyway, getting to the point, i had my first usage dream since...well this seems to be the first that i can remember. i dreamt that i did ex with my old friend, ryan, whom i've never used with and who doesn't actually use himself. it was a confusing dream. it lasted hours. or what seemed like hours. the best thing about the dream, however, was the fact that i felt no buzz during the dream. my brain thereby proved to my body that it was pointless to crave, for there is no buzz to be found!

ha

p.s., señor brain... that don't work for me and mah body. we cuh-rave. until it goes away.
the best way for me to get rid of a craving, in the past, was to just...satiate it. snort, smoke, pop, or guzzle. that was my solution for anything. that became my mantra, of sorts.

"Hi, my name is David and I like to snort, smoke, pop and guzzle"
...
doesn't work too well at twelve step meetings. for some reason they don't find humor in that.

i realize, now more than ever, that it is life or death for me when it comes to drugs. and no, i'm not just being brainwashed by the big rehab machine. i was dead. i had 3 days' worth of seizures. i almost had heart attack(s).

that's what happens when david uses. this is why david starts blogs and creates new thoughtchildren and hopes to GOD someone else discovers them, to nourish them through adolescence and into mature thoughts and beliefs.

for now, i'll continue craving, but avoiding old haunts. i've been reading more than i've read in about 10 years. i used to devour books like they were rotting carcasses on the savannah and i was a lion. reading is good for me. i've rediscovered the joy and fairytale land that exists in my head. i can mull over the vocabulary i've been neglecting while using. i reopen old wounds, to let them bleed, just to watch the process of scabbing to make sure that my soul can mend still.

i've become...strangely... awake.

and it's lovely :)


(but someone find me a goddamned job)

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